I Am: Diary of a Clonetrooper
by Takianna
Summary: OC clonetrooper diary.  written in 2009


**Entry 1**

Today, I am one of thousands. No millions. I have a number, but no name. That's not exactly true. I have a name, but most choose not to learn it. My brothers know it. They call me by it when we are alone. When we are alone in our helmets.

Inside our armor, we are cut off. The outside world is shielded from us. Noise is dampened. We can talk amongst ourselves and no one is the wiser. So why do I always feel so lonely?

I picked one of my brothers from the ground today. His armor was smeared with blood which was not his own. It was scorched in places and I knew he was dead. I carried his body back to the LAATI because I didn't want him to be left alone there one the ground of Geonosis. There were so many left behind. As we pulled into the air, I saw the white pieces of armor like snow upon a field. They littered almost every inch of the red ground. Left to be sandblasted by a planet where they took their last breath.

We serve. It doesn't mean we don't think.

**Entry 2**

After Geonosis, I found myself being carted to one of many worlds where the Republic sought to end the Separatists movement. The name eludes me now. It seems all so long ago. All I know was that I was to fight. It's not that I enjoy blindly following orders. That's not what I do. I do what is requested of me. We all do it. As a group, clones are very loyal. We have been taught to be loyal to jedi. They command us.

I didn't think anything of following the generals. They are inexperienced though. Many have learned to rely on their closest clones commanders to help them with their tactics. Why wouldn't they? We are flash trained in almost all types of tactical situations. Our lives were lived under live fire conditions from the time we were "born" from a bottle.

Several of the jedi have taken to calling us by our names. It makes us feel more comfortable, but I'm not sure they deserve to call us these names. These are the names we earned ourselves. I don't mind them calling me my name when my helmet is off, but sometimes in the heat of fire, being called Echo can cause me to become distracted.

So now I'm aboard another ship on my way to yet another Outer Rim world to fight. I'm just not sure what I'm fighting for at the moment. Who is going to be better for this fighting, in the end? I know it won't be me. 

**Entry 3**

My three other team members, my brothers, have now been killed. I find myself lost without them. Seb, who I will miss most, was the best. He knew when I was feeling worried about a planet fall or mission. He knew just what to say to kick my butt into gear. Now I don't know what I will do.

It seems I'm loosely associated with another group now, but can't find a place. They have known each other since birth (or whatever it was) and that is something which is really hard to enter into. I just don't always feel as though I belong with them. They have different slang for different things. It's a team thing. You start to call things by the same names when you are thrown into battle and fire together. I'm just not at ease in their presence.

Hopefully in the next few days I will be reassigned, possibly to forward command. It would be a nice assignment, although I would miss the fight. Forward command is usually where those of us who no longer have a team go. Once we've been in forward command for a couple of months, a new team is formed and we once again go back to the fight.

I'm nervous.

**Entry 4**

I've been at forward command for almost four weeks now. There is another team which I will be joining today. They seem to be a pretty good group of guys. I'm not so sure about them though. I'm human, so I feel the same things everyone else does. It's hard to explain. E'Chin is the natural leader. He really knows his stuff and how to keep the team together. I'm sure I will grow to love them as I did my old brothers.

I still miss Seb. He would know how to make me feel better, if only he was here.

**Entry 5**

My new team has been deployed. We did one of the most nerve racking high altitude jumps I've ever done. I have done several before, but this started to get hairy as we entered the tree canopy. I was sure I was going to get tangled up upon insertion, but luckily I kicked away before the tree was able to get me.

E'Chin almost broke his leg on the landing, but after a few shots of pain reliever from his personal med-kit, he was back to normal. Good thing.

We are not alone here. There are several 1,000 troops who were inserted in the same way. Currently we are awaiting the vehicles to be dropped so we can begin our assault on a listening post for the Seps.

I can hear the clankers at night moving around. They aren't far from here, well according to intel. It's almost scary sometimes to hear the mechanical hummings coming from just out of sight. I would be scared, but I've seen enough clankers shredded by laser fire to know they don't stand a chance against the GAR.

Now to get some sleep. I will be working hard tomorrow morning.

**Entry 6**  
>We humped for almost two miles today and still no tinnies. I can't imagine what intel was up to, but those boys seem to have their heads up their backsides.<p>

Finally we broke for camp. I can't make out the noise of the droids anymore. I wonder if they've moved on. This place doesn't seem so important to me. I'm sure there is some underlying need, but it seems we are stretched to almost the breaking point right now.

In the heat of battle, there are very few clones compared to the tinnies. They seem to be like an ocean stretching before us on the frontline. There are also few jedi to go around. We've had a padawan leading us for the whole time we've been on this mission. I'm not sure he is comfortable with leading the group. It's something we infantry men talk about all the time, but not where we can be heard. We wouldn't want to be insubordinate.

It wouldn't do well for the GAR to have the troops starting to doubt their leaders. And when we were supposed to be so well trained and loyal almost to the point of being idiots.

I might be loyal, but I still know how to turn tail to save mine and my brothers'.

**Entry 7**

We finally got off that Force forsaken planet (can I use that word even though I'm not a jedi?). We've been regrouped, which happens all the time because we've become cannon fodder.

Currently we are in the hands of some pretty good generals. General Kenobi seems to know what is going on and he has taken time to get to know those who are closest to him. Commander Cody tends to have his ear most of the time. That's good because Cody will make sure there are things we get that other times we don't.

On this tour, we've actually had cots to sleep on. It's unusual on ships for us to have many places to sleep besides slumped in a corner. We "hot-bunk" a lot. So no matter what, the bed has been slept in before you. It doesn't bother me. As long as there is a cot where I can rest my head after a long battle, I don't care which of my brothers has been in it before me.

Also the chow, which is super important, is pretty good. Most the time we are living on ration cubes. They really are the worst. They carry all the nutrients our bodies need, but they taste like what I imagine a Kaminoans backside would taste like if you gave it a lick.

So we are "living" pretty well right now. If this is what you call really living.

**Entry 8**

Where do GAR troops go when they are severely injured?

We talk. It's just the human condition. Rumors spread so fast in the ranks that there is no way to keep track of what is truth and what is fiction. I'm not sure I can keep track of what goes on in my team, let alone with the other groups.

So I really have been thinking about this subject. I know they don't ever come back, but are they returned to Kamino for repairs? I can't imagine investing so much time and money in the GAR and then not keeping them up. There has to be someway to repair us. I know we aren't machines, but sometimes it's hard to work out exactly what we are.

I know there is not a way to save every clone. I've seem them laying on far too many battle fields to not know this to be true, but what about those who could be saved by a major surgery?

I sometimes dream about clones I've seen taken away. Maybe the dreams are about me. We all have the same face. Where are they now?

**Entry 9**

E'Chin is gone. He didn't die the battle death he had always said he wished for either. I was holding him. We were pulling away from a ground assault gone terribly wrong and he died there in the LAATI.

I removed his helmet to get a good look at him after he had gone. It was like staring into a mirror which wouldn't stare back. I've never gotten the creeps in that way before. I can't imagine what medics have to go through all the time.

E'Chin was shot straight on in the chest. His armor was a mass of blood, shattered plastoid and tissue. You couldn't tell which was which. I think I will carry the picture of him laying there dead to my grave. I'm sure it won't be long to carry it. So many people are killed around me daily, I just don't know when my time will come.

I saw my whole group from Kamino die, but it wasn't like this. I was there standing next to E'Chin and I saw the shot fired from a Super Battle Droid. I could have pushed him aside, stepped in front. I could've done something. I just stood there and watched him be killed.

Tonight I sat on the bunk I share with the now two other members of my group and sobbed. I know I shouldn't have. I know I should be stronger. I was trained for this, but something about today seems worse. I'm lost. Lost in a sea of me.

**Entry 10**

I've been referred to the medical ward due to my emotional state since E'Chin's death. My mind is failing and I can't stop it. Today they are running a few tests to see what could be wrong. So far, there has been no sign from the medical droids that there is anything wrong with me physically.

I could tell them what is wrong with me. I'm sick. I'm tired of fighting. I don't even know what I'm really fighting for. Is the Republic any better than the Seps? I mean will I have rights and privileges under Republic rule that I won't have under the Seps? I don't think I'll ever get rights. In fact, I'm sure of it.

My head hurts from all the thinking. Maybe the rapid aging process has made my brain about to explode. I just don't know anymore. Hopefully these tests will be over soon and I can go back to doing what I do best even though it is what makes me feel this sick, being a merciless face in the crowd.

**Entry 11**

Back in action. It feels so good to be out of the awful medical ward. I was tired of being confined to the ship too. Luckily, I got to ride one of the small shuttles to the planet today and join in the fight. I was accompanied by an very odd little jedi padawan on my way. She says she is Ashoka Tano and is padawan to General Skywalker.

Skywalker is General Kenobi's former student and the two assault groups have been working in tandem to get things done quickly.

Christophsis has been a hard planet, or so I guessed from all the wounded. When I was in the medical ward, there were so many injured who had been ferried from the ground to the main ship to be treated. Sadly so many were calling out in pain. It was like hearing your own voice over and over. It was haunting.

When the lights were out, the night crept in and the moaning and crying was worse. The clone in the cot next to me, well he didn't make it and called out for his buddies several times in the dark. His buddies came early in the morning and stood over the cot sobbing. I'm glad I'm not the only one who cries. Such a strange sight to see. All those men who looked like me, crying about their lost brother. A brother, I would never know, but still knew so well.

**Entry 12**

Christophsis has ended. It was a hard battle and if not for some heroics by the jedi, we would all be dead. They are truly fearless. Although, sometimes their abilities make my skin crawl. It is so strange to see someone flying into battle, sword (or whatever) raised and absolutely no regard for their own lives. They don't even wear very tough armor.

I spoke with the Padawan Tano for some time today. She was recounting the heroics to several of us who were sitting around on the deck of the cruiser. We were not supposed to be sitting, but sometimes the thrills of victory are often recounted several times. Makes us all feel better and closer as a group. It's what we like to do.

I'm not so sure about this war. We are moving again on a mission which seems to be of no value. Yes, I've heard the rumors of trying to help out a gangster to get space lane privileges, but something isn't right. We are a huge army which is not being used to the best of our abilities. Someone higher up has no idea what they are doing or they are a genius who is setting the GAR up to fail. Either way I'm off to fight, as ordered.

**Entry 13**

I feel so alone. So alone, I can't imagine where these feelings are coming from. There are so many people around me, but still I feel as though I'm standing by myself inside of my armor shell.

E'Chin has been replaced, finally. Our new leader is Chaos. The name fits. He is one mess after another. Although he is a good leader, the boy can't stand up without falling down, most of the time. So I wonder the fate of our group.

I've been rebuilding my rifle. Trying to keep my mind from wandering into why I'm so lonely. There are so many things you do with your hands that your mind has no idea about. Rebuilding a rifle, for me, is second nature to sleeping. I don't really have to think about it, but it keeps me busy enough remembering which thing goes where so I don't dwell on my feelings.

Are clones supposed to have these feelings? I haven't asked anyone else. I do know that I'm human though and feelings are natural for most humans (not the jedi, I'm told).

**Entry 14**

Kriffing Jedi. They really have no idea what they are doing. They have no idea how to lead a group of highly trained troops. They are just feeling their way through the world and have no idea the pain and suffering we go through. I wish we could have our own generals and leave the jedi as sideline fighters.

Because of them, we are stuck here until some dumb hutt is rescued. They are posturing and trying to prove who knows more. The Seps could care less. Seems like a terrible trap to me. We are being set up. I don't know when we are going to get lucky enough to get out of this forsaken corner of the world.

I hear rumors everyday of new cloning facilities with new clones being readied to be delivered. I hope this whole thing is over before they can be delivered. The rumors are that they aren't as well trained as we are. The original batches are still better trained and don't have so many mental defects. Second generation clones usually don't fair very well. The Kaminoans knew that when they created us.

You get one bad clone in a group and he will start to sway the rest towards his crazy thoughts. I don't have time for this. They better come trained and ready to be blown up. It seems that is all we are good for now.

**Entry 15**

There I stood, splattered in mud or something I couldn't possibly imagine, and all I could think of was how do I get out of this? Climbing into a tree and being a sniper wasn't something I really wanted to do, but the general had ordered at least half of us into trees so we could be snipers.

No jedi has any idea how it feels to climb in this awful armor. It pinches you in just the wrong spots. And the crotch is the worst. I can tell they never really want any of us to reproduce from the way the armor is designed.

I climbed. It was ordered and I did it. Then I was sitting there on a branch, my rifle was poised on my thigh. I was just getting ready to pick up through the sights to make sure to signal to everyone else that I was okay. *SNAP* Stupid branch broke out from under me and I went plummeting towards the ground. Lucky for me, it was muddy. I didn't break anything, but my ego.

Coming across the comm were the laughs and snickers of 10 other clones. Three of them my close buddies and the others by association. I heard all kinds of comments about how maybe I should stay out of chow line and that I should have my armor "let out" so I can have some room to grow.

Leaving my dignity behind, I climbed again. I'm nothing if not persistent.

**Entry 16**

Inspection today. I don't understand why we have an inspection once a month. My brothers are dying on a battle field and you want to make sure my armor is polished and I have my hair cropped nice and short.

I did my duty though. I polished the scratches out of my armor. I didn't like it though. I want those to remind me of all the places I've been. All the danger I've been through and come out alive. All of the brothers I've helped or carried back to a waiting medic or to their grave.

There I stood, like all the others, helmet removed and tucked under my arm. General Skywalker and General Kenobi walked briskly through the groups. I could tell from the looks on their faces that they weren't so excited about the inspection either. It wastes everyone's time. There are so many of us to inspect.

I passed, along with my team. They never really do anything to us when we don't pass. Here we are in a middle of a war we can't win, what else could they do to us?

**Entry 17**

Hit. I got hit. My arm. I was holding out my blaster to blast some clankers and all of a sudden, I wasn't holding it anymore. It was laying on the ground at my feet. Luckily Ki was there. He is the most medically trained of our group. He knew what to do.

There I lay, my eyes searching through the beautiful blue sky. I felt the life draining from me. I knew I wouldn't die. Ki made sure the bleeding was under control. I just wanted to sleep. He made sure I didn't sleep. Ki talked to me. We talked about things troopers never really talk about.

I feel very close to him. It's as though we were both vulnerable and now we have each other to depend on. I haven't felt this way since Seb was around. Ki has come to visit me everyday, well that is what the medical droids have said. I was suspended in bacta for a few days so I couldn't really see anyone.

Being in bacta is like being in the dacanting bottle again. Same kind of weird perception of time and space. Almost disturbing.

I'm on the mend though. I got a new arm. Don't know where it came from. I assume they keep clone spare parts around just in case we lose a limb. I should be able to return to combat in three standard weeks

**Entry 18**

Why do I keep writing in this thing? Oh yea, it's because I might go insane if I don't write my thoughts down. I try not to let on to anyone else that I'm writing. I pretend to be reading alot and to maybe be drawing. Clones shouldn't have feelings to write.

I wonder how other clones deal with their doubt and anguish. I've had time to think since I've been stuck in the medical ward, again. This time I got smart and I've been sleeping with the pillow over my head to drown out the cries and groans from the other people who are in here too. I don't want to hear that again.

Ki visited again. He says the other guys would come, but they hate this place too much. It is hard to deal with our own mortality. This place makes you look it right in the face because those are the faces that are staring right back at you.

**Entry 19**

Seems the war may be wrapping up soon. I hope it is. The question is where will I go? What will happen to me? I can't live in the barracks on Coruscant forever.

The future is bothering several of the other guys too. We don't know anything past what we have been doing. Smash and run. That is what I know. I know the rating for every piece of equipment I use, but not this. So what will happen to me when this ends. When we finally have beat the Seps and the clankers are no more?

I can't get over the overwhelming feeling that something isn't right. We are headed back to Coruscant. Something about General Kenobi and General Skywalker having to save the Chancellor. The ship has been all up in arms about why we are returning so quickly. Apparently, from what I've gathered from other clones visiting the medical ward, there is a battle raging over the capitol.

I will be returning to full action as of tomorrow morning. I don't know what will be in store for me next.

**Entry 20**

Senate protection. How did I get assigned to this pitiful job? Maybe the powers that be thought my arm wasn't healed well enough to go back to work for real. I don't know. I now have the job of standing outside of the Senate building all day. It's not very exciting. After all the bombing and shooting I got to do elsewhere.

The Senators come and go. I've watched the same Senator come and go about 50 times. I can't imagine what is so important.

Ki is standing guard with me today. There are so many troops who have been assigned to the ground on Coruscant. The battle overhead didn't last long, but many clones were lost. Will there be a memorial for them?

General Skywalker was all over the holonet news last night as being a hero of the battle. He is only as good as those who supported him and died executing his orders. Still, clones will never be heroes, even though we have given everything for the Republic who gives us nothing.

**Entry 21**

I was spit on today. Some teenage kid came and spit on me as I stood guard at the Senate building. Chaos had to stop me from taking out my knife and gutting the kid. Being a clone is like being an invisible citizen. If I would've gutted the kid, I would have been executed, but if he killed me, well no loss.

We've been here for almost two weeks. Nothing is getting better. The news is that the war is over, but we don't see it. No one has told me not to come into work. I still am standing here waiting for the time when I will be told to stand down.

General Kenobi has not been here for those two weeks or so the rumors have been spreading. I hear he was sent to Utapau to hunt down General Grievous. I've never seen Grievous, but I've heard from other clones that he is a monster. He is trapped in a skeleton. He is alive in there. Just merely a few organs and brain.

Wait, is that what people think of clones. Just a brain and some organs trapped inside a plastoid shell?

**Entry 22**

Things are changing. All the troops have been disembarked from the ship we came on. All the clones are on Coruscant and things are getting heavy. I was always told when something bad is about to happen, you can tell by the air and the way it feels. I think something bad is going to happen. I can just feel it, even through my armor.

There are so many clones down here, well it looks like Kamino now. I can't turn around without seeing me. There are groups I have never even seen. Chaos says it's the new group of clones. The cheaper version of us. I don't know what to believe. Ki said he saw a group of them at the mess hall and they didn't even respond to him when he spouted something off. He said it just wasn't like the groups who had trained on Kamino.

I'm starting to feel scared. Not only because of the situation, but because I fear for my own life. What if the new clones are here to wipe out the old clones? What if we know too much? What if...Well I'm not sure I want to think about it.

**Entry 23**

Orders came down today from the Chancelor himself. Order 66 they call it. We are to wipe out all jedi because they are trying to plan a coup. I don't believe it. The jedi I've worked with don't know government from a hole in their head. They are merely too wrapped up in their own world to even have a hand in power.

I haven't come to the point where I might have to use the order. I haven't seen a jedi and I'm not out looking for them. Ki told me there are several groups of clones who are refusing the order. Who knows how long they will last.

Chaos isn't very conversational tonight. I'm not sure what happened when he was out, but he hasn't said a word since he returned from his duty patrol. He has been sitting on his bunk staring at nothing for almost an hour now. I don't want to ask.

I have to get my helmet on. It's my turn to go out now. They've stopped sending us as groups and are rotating when we go out. It's a strange operation. It doesn't feel as though this is the same army.

**Entry 24**

I killed a jedi. A child. I don't know what came over me, but all of a sudden I found myself pulling the trigger on a child. A jedi padawan who was attempting to get through a blockade. I am a robot.

I was working the blockade. I saw the boy trying to sneak around the outside of the line. I called for him to stop and wait in line, but then there was a lightsaber blade and I squeezed off three rounds. The boy tumbled backward. He couldn't be more than 10 years old. And I killed him just because he was a jedi.

I am no better than a savage war machine. I am a clanker. When it all boils down to it, I take orders and do them no matter what. I can't live with myself for doing this. That padawan did nothing to me and I ended his life before it could begin.

I won't be needing this journal where I'm going. I've figured out exactly what will take all this away and make it so I don't have to think about anything anymore. A blaster pointed just in the right spot. I won't feel a thing. I'm at peace with my life being finished. I wasn't going to live long anyway and who would miss just another clone.

_End entries_


End file.
